CHAPTER FIVE

Author's Notes: So anyway. Life is good, tra lalala. It's so good, that here's another chapter! Joy! Rapture! Happy Thanksgiving, lieblings.



~~~SPEAKING~~~

(Backstage, the atmosphere is tense. Gandalf nurses his twenty-fifth cappuccino, oblivious to all going on around him, even when Merry carefully places a headband with reindeer-antler attachments on his head.)

(Meanwhile, Elrond and Galadriel give the schedule worried looks.)

Galadriel: We seem to be running out of numbers…

(Closing his eyes, Elrond selects a song at random, peeking out between his fingers to see it.)

Elrond: Oh! Well, that can’t be too bad…

(Disappearing into wardrobe, Galadriel reappears with a dress in her arms.)

Haldir: EEEEEEEEEYAH!!!!

(He flees, hiding in the dressing rooms somewhere. Galadriel shakes her head.)

Galadriel: Arwen, come here please…

Aragorn: WOOOO!!!!! YEAH!!!

(Elrond gives him the ‘squinty-eyes-rolled-back-in-the-head glare’ from ‘O Brother, Where Art Thou?’ The Ranger slams his mouth shut so fast it makes an audible whack.)

Hobbits: Ooo. Ouch.

(While Aragorn rubs his jaw and gazes longingly after Arwen as she retreats to the dressing rooms (Haldir comes flying out moments later, rubbing his kicked bum), Pippin and Merry watch the critics calmly.)

(It is anything but calm in the front row. While there are no new critics this time, the regulars are doing a perfectly capable job of handling all the chaos by themselves. Rabid Locust and Stage-Rose arm wrestle enthusiastically, while Cerridwyn, TK, and Amarth peer into the orchestra and make faces at the Orcs within. Before Grishnakh can impale one of them with his violin bow, however, Trintula drags them away from the danger to attempt to peek behind the curtain. They spot the two Hobbits.)

(With identical squeaks, Merry and Pippin jerk backwards.)

Pippin: That was close.

Merry: You said it.

(A beat.)

Merry and Pippin: Let’s do it again!

(They smush their faces up against the little crack, making outrageous faces at Trintula, Amarth, TK, and Cerridwyn. The four laugh and point happily. Fortunately, before a mob can form, Legolas drags them away from the curtain.)

Legolas: Come on, guys. Costume time.

(Merry and Pippin blow enthusiastic kisses at their public.)

~~~SINGING~~~

(Curtain goes up on a quaint little living room scene. A couch, a table, a smaller table with a lamp on it, etcetera. All arranged in a semi-circle, that the audience can see all that happens.)

(Arwen is sitting in a chair, wearing a denim dress with decorative patches sewn here and there. Littered on various pieces of furniture, and even on the rug, are Aragorn, Boromir, Merry, Legolas, Frodo, and Pippin, all dressed in slacks and flannel shirts.)

(They are attempting to do the scene that precedes ‘Goin’ Courtin’ from ‘Seven Brides for Seven Brothers’.)

Boromir: (speaking) Ummm.

Legolas: (speaking) We need girlfriends.

Merry: (speaking) YEAH!

Arwen: (standing up, speaking) Well, ya gotta be nice to a girl to get her.

(The boys give her blank looks.)

Pippin: (speaking) Like…?

Arwen: (speaking) Well, ya gotta call her pretty names… like ‘my darling’… ‘my dear’, ‘my love’… ‘my precious’…

Gollum: (offstage, screaming bloody murder) AAAAAAAAACH!!!! PRECIOUSSSSSS!!!!!

(The sound of a sandbag dropping is heard.)

Gollum: (mumbling) Precioussssss……?

Sam: (in the rafters, speaking) Bullseye!

(Onstage, the performers exchange confused looks. Jumping to their rescue, Lurtz cues right into the song.)

Arwen:
Goin’ courtin’
Goin’ courtin’
Oh it sets your senses in a whirl!
Goin’ courtin’
Goin’ courtin’
Dud-in up to go and see your girl

Merry: (aside to Pippin, speaking) Dud-in? What the heck does that mean?

Arwen:
Oh, it’s fun to hunt and shoot a gun

Boromir and Aragorn: (speaking) Hell yeah!

Arwen:
Or to catch a rabbit on the run

Pippin: (speaking) I’ve tried. Those rabbits are awfully fast.

Arwen:
But you’ll find it’s twice as sportin’
Goin’ courtin’

(She sidles up to Aragorn and all but dumps herself in his lap.)

Arwen: (stroking his chest)
Now there’s lots of things ya gotta know
Be sure the parlor light is… low

Aragorn: (speaking) Oh, yeah…

(There’s an audible click from offstage. You guessed it; Elrond has retrieved his trusty gun and now has it leveled at our favorite Ranger’s head.)

(Arwen hastily jumps up and runs over to the nearest guy, Legolas. He kneels down on one leg, so she can sit neatly on his knee. She does so happily.)

Arwen:
You sidle up and squeeze her hand

(Boromir scoots up behind her and squeezes her… rear. She whips around and slaps him viciously, sending him staggering to the couch, where he sits dazed.)

Arwen: (glaring meaningfully)
Let me tell ya fellas that it’s grand

(Trying for less harassment, she sits down on the other end of the couch next to Frodo.)

Arwen:
You hem and haw a little while

(Frodo makes a show of clearing his throat adorably.)

Arwen: (smiling genuinely)
She gives you kinda half a smile
You cuddle up-

(He gets closer to her obediently.)

Arwen: (hopping off the couch)
She moves away!
Then the strategy comes into play

(Twirling around, she ‘trips’ and stumbles into Aragorn’s arms, giving him a flirtatious smile. Seeing as Arwen is distracted, Legolas starts the next verse.)

Legolas:
Goin’ courtin’
Goin’ courtin’
If you find it hard to BREAK THE ICE!

(His last extremely loud words snap Arwen back into the show, and she shoots a guilty smile at the audience before continuing.)

Arwen:
Goin’ courtin’
Goin’ courtin’

Boromir: (speaking) Man, I am getting SO sick of that phrase!

Arwen:
Here’s a little feminine advice

(They all cluster around to hear this wonderful tidbit of information.)

Arwen:
Roll your eyes and heave a little sigh

(Frodo leans way back and does a big, melodramatic sigh. Aragorn pokes him for stealing the limelight.)

Arwen:
Grunt and groan like you’re about to die

(Throwing himself on the ground, Boromir writhes as though in death throes. They stare at him for a moment, and he sits up sheepishly.)

Arwen:
This is what’s known as emotin’
Goin’ courtin’

Merry: Ah, how about sparkin’?

Arwen: Parlor’s darkin’?

Merry: Yeah.

Arwen: And you’re longing for a fond embrace

Boys: (a bit too enthusiastically) YEEHA!

Pippin: What about pettin’?

Boromir: (speaking) Aw, man, that’s sick!

Pippin: (speaking, indignant) What? It’s in the script!

Legolas: And sofa-settin’?

Boromir: Suppose she ups and slaps your face?

Arwen: (mildly, speaking) Like this?

(She smacks him calmly across the face. He slumps over backward.)

Arwen:
Just remember, ‘Blessed are the meek’
Don’t forget to turn the other cheek
Pretty soon you’ll both be larkin’
Goin’ sparkin’

(Legolas offers his arm, which she accepts, and the two promenade about for a while before Aragorn forcefully tosses the Mirkwood Elf to the side and takes Arwen’s arm himself.)

(Before Elrond can blow a gasket, she releases him and faces all the guys.)

Arwen:
Goin’ dancin’

Boys: (horrified) GOIN’ DANCIN’??

Arwen:
At a fancy ball or minuet
(speaking) May I?

(She snatches Legolas to be her dance partner and does a little two-step with him.)

Arwen:
Goin’ dancin’
You’ll impress her with your etiquette

Aragorn:
You mean that men are learning how to dance?

Arwen:
Yes, it came direct from Paris, France
It will help with your romancin’
Goin’ dancin’

(The big dance! I love these…)

(Legolas swings Arwen around and around, and Aragorn cuts in. When their dancing gets a little too intimate, Merry boldly interrupts. Arwen bends at the waist to dance with him, but it works.)

(Pippin and Frodo take center-stage dancing adorably with each other, as the others are simply too tall to work with. However, one powerful spin from Pippin sends Frodo sailing behind the couch.)

(Boromir attempts to dance with Arwen; Legolas restrains him.)

(Merry and Pippin hold a whispered discussion, and moments later Pippin is standing on Merry’s shoulders and asking Arwen for a dance. She complies, and the three make a happy group swinging around to the music. Too much swinging. Merry flies off balance and skids across the stage, leaving Pippin in Arwen’s arms.)

Pippin: (speaking) Hi.

(Arwen drops him with a squeak. Sitting up, the Hobbit loudly proclaims,)

Pippin:
Keep your huntin’

Frodo and Legolas:
And fussin’

Boromir and Aragorn:
And fightin’

Merry:
And cussin’, d*mmit!

Boys and Arwen:
‘Cause we’re goin’ courtin’!!!

Aragorn: (speaking) Actually, I’d rather hunt and cuss…

Boromir: (speaking) Yeah, man…

(The curtain goes down.)

~~~SPEAKING~~~

(Aragorn scoots into the dressing rooms to avoid Elrond’s amazing Death Glare.)

Galadriel: That wasn’t so bad…

Merry: (beaming) I had fun!

(Suddenly, Elrond develops a horrible twitch while looking at the schedule.)

Galadriel: What?

(She looks at the paper and starts babbling like an idiot.)

Merry and Pippin: Let us see!

(They rush up and read the list. Both go deathly pale and sink to the floor.)

Haldir: What? What’s wrong?

(He reads the schedule and promptly swoons away in a faint.)

Legolas: Dare I look…?

(He dares, and the information makes him stagger away muttering.)

(Slowly, all heads turn to gawk at one person…)

Aragorn: What?